THE IT department at the firm where Robert Wisniowski works likes to put up notices in capital letters. Maybe they think this attracts attention, or maybe they can’t resist the urge to shout. Anyway, a label next to a temperamental printer said: “IF PAPER GETS JAMMED, DO NOT RIP IT OUT – CONTACT IT FOR ASSISTANCE.”
Says Wisniowski: “We must have extra helpful paper in our office. While in the throes of agony, jammed in the innards of the printer, it will still try to help you get it out of its predicament. My only question is: how do I know what it’s saying?”
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THE in-car litter bag that Dianne Jackson bought recently had an illustration of the bag in action on the packaging, with the helpful qualification: “Contents not included”. By the time she’d unwrapped it and disposed of the packaging in it, however, it was half full. So some contents were included.
WE HAVE previously celebrated the creative freedom enjoyed by those who devise disclaimers on web pages, assured of a readership of zero – until, that is, they are mentioned in Feedback (16 December 2006). “How appropriate,” Alexander Croll observes, “that the same edition dealt with plagiarism” (p 48). He pasted the phrase “search the very threads of time for the throbbing of your heartbeat” – the stark consequences of violating the copyright of www.derbyshireguide.co.uk that we reported – together with “leather” and “demon” into a Famous Web Search Engine.
Strangely, substantially the same warning of retaliation by “a leather-winged demon of the night” also appears on other pages such as from Ontario, and on from Washington state.
“Perhaps,” Croll muses, “the leather-winged demon is even now filing a flight plan.”
AND here’s another quirky legal disclaimer that directly supports our view regarding the degree to which anyone pays any attention to this literary form. The bottom of a press release from i-to-i travel company reads: “We’ve been arguing for weeks: does anyone ever read these legal footers? Our lawyers reckon that they do… Everyone else in the business is convinced that we could quote a passage from The Cat in the Hat and no one would give a monkey’s! So if you’re honestly interested in this kind of thing or are desperately in need of a little sleep… read on. Any use of bad grammar, shoddy spelling or tired clichés should not be seen as an indication of our abilities as a company. This email is confidential… If you have received it in error, please notify us immediately at postmaster@i-to-i.com, delete it from your system and note that you may not copy, distribute or use its contents.
“”Emotions Play Major Role in Teen Condom Use” – thank you HealthDay News for that startling update, forwarded by T. H. Umbreit”
SPOTTED in a Welsh forest by John Gilbey, a notice affixed to a tree: “Heavy plant operating”. Just how heavy does a plant have to be to deserve its own warning label, Gilbey wondered. An elderly acquaintance of Feedback invariably used to respond to “Heavy Plant” warnings with the gnomic comment, “Ah, triffids.”
TALKING recently with an insurance expert, Feedback asked whether it really would help passengers in an air crash to adopt the “brace” position – with head bowed down towards knees. It does help, said the expert, but only to identify bodies after a crash. In the bracing position there is more hope of intact teeth to check against dental records.
While on the subject, we asked about life jackets. Are they really worth putting on when an aircraft ditches in freezing water? Oh yes, the expert assured us, they make it much easier to find, count and identify the bodies.
All this has a horrible ring of truth about it. So could someone please tell us it isn’t true?
FEEDBACK was thrilled when a pair of enterprising birds in our neck of the woods found a broken air vent and built a nest inside. So thrilled we went out and bought a spy camera with miniature infrared lamps that let the wide-angle lens see in the dark.
Obviously anxious to stay on the right side of the law when selling electronics with potentially dubious uses, the makers package the camera with dire warnings such as “if the product is used in illegal purposes, the offender will be subject to severe punishments”.
What a pity, then, that the installation instructions contain a particularly unfortunate typo: “Install to the desired position… in pubic places.”
FINALLY, many thanks to the more than 1000 readers who sent suggestions for Feedback’s new name. We’re sifting through them.
