AFTER all the quantum wonders we’ve been offered, we feel a twinge of nostalgia on encountering dear old magnetic miracle cures. Oak-panelled Victorian seance chambers come to mind… but never fear, whoever is responsible for Magneurol, at , has found a 21st-century “scientific” twist. “Use This Discovery,” they exhort us, “to Surpass Current Human Capabilities by 3000 Years!”
For only $49.00 plus shipping and handling we can get a 30-day supply of… er… let’s look at how_it_works.html on their site: “Magnetic Super Food?” they call it, prudently using a question mark. “It has long been suspected that homing pigeons’ magnetoreception may explain how the birds find their way home,” they say. And they report an experiment in which students could navigate better blindfold than not, and less well when they had magnets strapped to their heads. (We have found such a study, by R. R. Baker, published in Science in 1980 – and a 1986 review article by G. W. M. Westby and K. J. Partridge, in the Journal of Experimental Biology, reporting that eight further studies failed to replicate the finding.)
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Nevertheless, apparently, if you imbibe Magneurol then your sense of direction will improve. Since this isn’t one of the five canonical senses, this counts as extrasensory perception. Owen Smith, who alerted us to this wonderful offer, concludes that “Global Positioning System manufacturers will soon be going out of business.” We’re not so sure. GPS receivers are cheaper.
“We won’t ask why Ken McLeod was searching for information on plutonium. And maybe it’s best to keep quiet about the inevitable offer – “Great deals on plutonium – Shop on eBay and Save!””
BBC RADIO 4 is running some research under the title “The Memory Experience”. Michael Rollin wanted to contribute, and reached the web page at – where he read that “The BBC reserves the right to edit your memories”.
Rollin suspects a clever ploy to make us forget to watch programmes on rival channels and tolerate endlessly repeating storylines in soap operas.
WANTING news of special offers, Sven Korsgaard tried to register for a newsletter from Ryanair. They sent him an email asking him to reply confirming that he really did want the kind of message some of us go to considerable lengths to avoid. So he did – only for his response to come straight back with a complaint that he’d sent the airline “spam”.
The reason turned out to be that his spam filter program had added a footnote to his message, boasting that it had spared him 1937 spam messages. Whether out of professional envy or some more deep-rooted binary upset, Ryanair’s spam filter program identified the footnote from Korsgaard’s spam filter as spam. The possibilities for an infinitely regressive war of the spam killers are alarming.
Remove grease before removing grease
THERESE SMITH was redecorating her room and needed to cover up some marks on the walls. So she bought a Stain Block Aerosol, not least because on the front of the tin it proclaims “Ideal for grease marks”. Back home she read the instructions on the back: “Ensure all surfaces are clean, dry and free from grease.” What should she use for that?
AN INTERNET telephony company sent Farshid Azar a bill this September – with links to call breakdowns for August, September and October. Naturally he clicked on October to find out what calls he was going to make – to be informed, reasonably enough, “Sorry, we do not yet support calling from the future”.
IF YOU are in Tooting, south-west London, and you find that trudging along Effort Street exhausts you – don’t worry, Peter Skewes has some reassuring advice. Just nip into the alley leading to Recovery Street, he says, and you can continue your journey walking downhill.
READER Paul Galpin complained to his insurance company after it sent him a statement in a corrupted pdf file. The company replied: “We wish to advise that our IT Department is looking into the problem and the statements will be resent as soon as the problem is rectified. Please accept our apologies for any incontinence caused.”
“Obviously they thought I was pissed off at them,” Galpin comments.
FINALLY, he claims he says it with hesitation, but he still says it. Jeffrey Borinsky has given in to the impulse to tell us that he and his partner have just registered with a new dentist whose name is Doctor Fang.
David Telford, meanwhile, is equally unable to refrain from telling us that the winner of the conventional section of the Australian National Ploughing Championships held in Tasmania in June was Adrian Tilling of Poowong in southern Victoria. Following his success, Tilling will now represent Australia in the World Ploughing Championships to be held in Lithuania next year.
