THE HENRIETTA Barnett School in a leafy suburb of north London wants some new garden benches. A 12-year-old student at the school, who had better remain anonymous for her own safety, has sent us this extract from its weekly newsletter: “We cannot put in any type of bench. The Hampstead Garden Suburb Trust has strict rules about what is and what is not permitted. The approved benches are very expensive. We are inviting sponsorship at £1000 per bench. Donors will be able to provide a small plague with a dedication.”
“The thought of a dedicated plague had me, my family, and my mum’s colleagues at work in fits of laughter,” she tells us, adding that apart from seeing this reported in Feedback, the other thing that would enable her to die happy would be seeing rock band The Strokes live. Hint. Hint.
FEEDBACK has an email address that acts as a magnet for people needing answers. Queries here range from requests for ways of getting around drug testing of urine to subscription rates for obscure magazines, and from “please write my homework essay on the big bang” to “what’s this that I found on my porch?”
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Don’t these people know that Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau invented the World Wide Web precisely to avoid answering such emails? It was the politest way possible of saying to particle physicists “look it up yourself”. And search engines are almost perfect for this fundamental purpose, assuming you apply a moment’s thought to the question.
Several people have become frustrated with those who fail to do this. One individual was sufficiently annoyed to create , which tells them “Google is your friend: all smart people use Google. You appear not to be one of them.”
You can even define the search for them. When someone asks you to help them with their homework about the big bang, just send them the link and tell them to click on it and wait. After pausing a few seconds to allow the message to sink in, the site will send them on to the search they need to do. Anonymous author, we salute you!
WHERE will they install MP3 players next? Keith Marshall has alerted us to , which is selling MP3 players built into the magazine of the Kalashnikov (AK-47) machine gun. The “magazine” holds 20 gigabytes of music and is apparently a protest on war. “This is our bit for world peace,” the makers say. “Hopefully, from now on many militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music and audio books. They need to chill out and take it easy.”
THANKS to Neil Padgen for pointing out that the dreaded PIN Number Syndrome – which we christened Redundant Acronym Syndrome a while back – has grown an extra level of redundancy. A news feed from BBC online on 6 August summarised one article as follows: “Voters could get a personal PIN number to counter electoral fraud, the government says.”
It can only be a matter of time before the redundancy completes itself. Which reader will be the first to spot a “personal identification PIN number”?
AN UNFORTUNATE entry for Feedback’s Manual of Unusual Units – spotted by several readers – arrives in a press release from the UK’s Environment Agency, following torrential rain in London. “The storm sewage, equivalent in weight to 13 Titanics…”
EMILY Hawthorn was impressed by an advertisement for an optician she saw in The Scotsman recently. It told her: “Our new advance tech Optomap eye exam scans over 200 per cent of the retina – more than any other retinal exam – in just .25 seconds.”
HERE is your last chance to enter the Feedback mid-year competition. Now that he has sorted out the black hole information paradox, what should Stephen Hawking do next?
Any question profound enough to merit the great man’s attention must be expressed as one sentence in the plainest English.
The winning entries will be chosen on the basis of their wit, originality and contribution to our understanding of the universe. All entries must reach us by 30 August. The five winners will be announced in the 11 September issue and, thanks to the generosity of Random House, will each receive a copy of The Universe in a Nutshell by – who else? – Stephen Hawking. The editor’s decision is final.
And, as Australians among others are reminding us, it’s not necessarily a summer competition. Sorry about that: those of us who work in London tend to get overexcited by a few days’ warm weather.
The mathematically challenged communication from Lloyds TSB Insurance that Martin Harvey received told him: “On average, our customers found they saved up to £98 by switching to us”
