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IF YOU work in an office, perhaps you should be washing your hands before you go to the lavatory rather than after, or better still both. University of Arizona microbiologist Chuck Gerba has discovered that the average office desk is a veritable menagerie of microbes, with 400 times the bacterial load of the average toilet seat.

And it is not just your desk you have to worry about. The phone, the fax machine and door handles all harbour microbiological nasties in great numbers. Even the water fountain handle is a perfect site for growing bacteria.

Gerba points out that most people’s toilet seat is cleaner than their kitchen work surface, so he didn’t find it too much of a surprise to discover so many bugs on their desk tops too.

The research, which was funded by Clorox, a bleach manufacturer, also demonstrated that using simple disinfectant cloths could wipe out 99.9 per cent of the office bacteria in one fell swoop.

Having failed to find any disinfectant wipes in the office, Feedback is now recruiting a couple of colleagues to help move our PC into the 51¶ŻÂț toilets, second cubicle on the right. Just to be on the safe side.

“IF YOU breathe,” warns an article in the May issue of Australian Good Health News, “you breathe in billions of oxygen molecules that can cause cancer, arthritis, degenerative diseases and premature ageing.”

Best give it up, then.

WOULD you like to win $1000? A religious sect in the US called Catholic Apologetics International is offering this worthwhile sum to “the first person to prove that the Earth revolves around the Sun”. The group prefers the good old traditional view that “the Earth is the centre of the Universe, and the stars, Sun and planets revolve around a stationary Earth”.

Oh, and that’s not all. The CAI website also offers $1000 to “the first person to prove the case for evolution”, takes a swipe at “the flaws and prejudices of Einsteinian relativity theory” and provides “new evidence that the genealogies listed in the book of Genesis may be accurate”. They haven’t yet got round to claiming that the Earth is flat. But give them time.

WE HAVE to ask: is there a job inside BT entitled “In charge of spoiling good technology”?

As we’ve mentioned before (6 October, 2001), BT sells a CD-ROM which indexes all Britain’s telephone numbers. To buy a copy you first need to chance on an advert buried at the back of BT’s paper phone directories, then call a BT helpline to ask the price and order a copy. When the disc eventually arrives through the post, it can only be used after calling another BT helpline, during weekday office hours, to get a secret code that lets you install the disc on your PC. This code is good for one day only.

We used the code and liked the disc, until it suddenly stopped working over a weekend. Ah, said the helpline during working hours the next week, you must have defragmented your hard disc.

“Defragging” is a standard procedure which speeds up the way a PC works by tidying up the data stored on its hard disc. But it can also destroy the secret licence file which Phone Disc’s code creates. A new code is needed to get Phone Disc working again.

Feedback has already had to ask for several new codes. The last time we called, BT’s helpline was answered by an “expert” who did not even understand what defragmenting a hard disc means, let alone what it does to BT’s disc.

HOW FREQUENT is frequent? Ever-helpful Microsoft gives an indication of how often programs are used in the “Add or Remove Programs” feature on Windows XP’s Control Panel. Reader Donald Hadden was puzzled, though, because programs he fired up daily were listed as being used “occasionally”. So he clicked the highlighted listing, hoping for a definitive explanation.

What he got was: “Definition: Frequency
 Windows measures the number of times the program has been run in the past 30 days and labels it accordingly. Frequency is divided into three areas: ‘Rarely’—the program is rarely or never run. ‘Occasionally’—the program is run sometimes. ‘Frequently’—the program is run often.”

Isn’t that helpful?

A COLLEAGUE has just been sifting through international standards, looking for anything to do with ink-jet printers, inks and paper. British Standard BS 4321:1969 covers the resistance of prints and inks to chemical agents, and part 8 carefully analyses the way they stand up to cheese. A copy of the standard costs ÂŁ80. The price is doubtless amply justified by the expense the testers incurred buying all kinds of gourmet cheeses and rubbing them on bits of printed paper.

THANKS TO Sainsbury’s supermarket for telling us how to cut a cake. Here are the “cutting instructions” that come with a Sainsbury’s fruit cake: “Remove all packaging and place the cake on a flat surface, such as a cake board or clean chopping board. Hold the cake firmly and use a long sharp knife to cut into slices with a sawing action. It is important to keep the knife blade clean.”

FROM a chain letter received by reader Jonathan Waller: “If you break this email chain letter (it has been going since 1887) you will have bad luck with your love life for seven years.”

FINALLY, when reader Stephen Archibald’s son had his first birthday, he received a card with a badge attached. The badge declared: “I am 1 today!” Inside was a warning: “Not suitable for children under 36 months.”